By: Vini Rupchandani
Recently, Wayne Couzens (as of March 20th, 2021, primary suspect) murdered Sarah Everards, and this event sparked a much-needed discussion on women’s safety and rights. 2020 has seen case after case of men raping, sexually harassing, assaulting, and even murdering women, being highlighted over various news and social media outlets, sparking movements every now and then. But the sad fact remains that, no matter how brutal and critical these cases get, there is little change in the reality that surrounds women.
You must be wondering, even after all this advocacy, why isn’t the situation changing? The answer to that is simple: only half of the population, namely women, are seen fighting for this cause, while the majority of men (I didn’t say all!) choose to stay silent or speak against us, with the repeatedly trending phrase #notallmen. How exactly do we expect global change, when only 50% of the population is actively supporting it?
The fundamental problem here is that, in the rare cases that men do raise their voices, (more often than not), it’s to defend themselves against our advocacy- and this is why this particular defense mechanism is problematic: when men say #notallmen, they are shifting focus from the issue at hand- the discrimination, harassment, and ill-treatment of women.
Women know that not all men harass women, but the problem is not all men stand up against their male peers when women are being harassed by them either. Women know that not all men are bad, but the problem is almost all women have faced some form of discrimination or harassment.
Society has subconsciously and constantly woven gender roles into our minds- both for boys and girls, but while girls experience its disadvantages first hand in a day-to-day setting, guys experience its advantages, (most of the time). This is why it’s hard to consciously notice the structural and cultural presence of male privilege in our society. This is not to say that men aren’t disadvantaged by gender roles, but the problem is, the only time these disadvantages are brought up, is when we are trying to highlight the struggles of women.
Men’s issues deserve to be highlighted, Father’s Day deserves to be celebrated, International Men’s Day needs to be recognized; but the time to bring that up is not when women get raped by men, when we are celebrating International Women’s Day or when Mother’s are being recognized for their efforts, and here’s why:
When men say #notallmen IN RESPONSE to women’s struggles, they are essentially dismissing and neutralizing those struggles by saying, “you have struggles but so do we, so stop complaining.” No boys, that’s not how it works. We aren’t trying to “call it even,” that fixes absolutely nothing. When men say #notallmen as a response to women’s struggles, it is equivalent to saying #alllivesmatter in response to the Black Lives Matter movement, it is trying to invalidate our problems, and that guys, makes y’all (the one’s advocating for #notallmen) a part of the problem too.
It is important to make this clear if you are one of these guys:
- Who “passively” supports women and does not actively fight with them,
- Who forms their opinion on this topic without actively talking to a girl about what this issue (a girl’s struggle,) is like for her,
- Who reads a post about a man raping a woman, and your first reaction is “but that’s not me,”
- Who watches their friends make “jokes” about women belonging to the kitchen or any derogatory form of speech, and says nothing because “he’s just kidding woman, chill,”
- Who feels angry at women for being angry about having to constantly live in a state of fear,
- Who tells “their girl” to act a certain way (dress modestly, don’t be too friendly, don’t go out alone, etc) because there are guys out there who will see you weirdly,
- Who believes that “women should do better” at explaining these problems so men can understand them (newsflash, we aren’t being paid to teach you!),
- Who victim blame,
- Who felt attacked after reading my article and thinks I, as a girl, am overreacting,
If you are one of these guys, you need to do better and think about why you are engaging in these behaviors.
If someone killed your sister, your brother, your classmate, your friend, would you not be enraged? We see men killing, raping, harassing, us and our sisters every day. We are angry, and I don’t think our anger and frustration, or our fear is inappropriate.
As a man, if you want to help us, LISTEN and ask us how you can contribute, how we feel, and what behaviors you engage in that make us feel violated. When we open up, don’t try and dismiss our opinions as exaggerated responses. Try and change yourselves.
Lastly, if you’ve read this article, you might’ve noticed the language appears to be “man-hating.” I would like you to reconsider. When we read news articles on women’s rights- we always see “Sarah Everad murdered..” “Nirbhaya rape case,” “Girls pictures shared in locker room talks..” etc. Every single time, passive language highlights a girl’s name. We always remember the girl but how many times do we even notice the assaulter’s names? How many of you knew the man that killed Sarah, or the ones that were involved in the Nirbhaya rape case? And that is the root of victim-blaming. So yes, the use of active language here is a shift from mainstream media, but NO, it is not “blaming” men, it is simply holding them accountable. It is trying to shift the blame and shame that victims experience for having to go through assault and putting the responsibility on the people that actually commit the crime. And if this little shift makes you uncomfortable as a guy, just imagine the discomfort and shame we girls have felt all these years for exercising nothing but our fundamental rights, for doing nothing but existing as a girl.